Suite Movies

"This is a very complicated case, Maude. You know, a lotta ins, a lotta outs, a lotta what-have-yous."

2011-10-11T23:39:00.000-07:00

"Hey kid, you want a toothpick?"

2011-10-03T19:46:00.000-07:00

"The product was a drug, a tranquilizer called 'Ephemerol'."

2011-04-27T23:36:00.000-07:00

"You'll forgive me if I don't stay around to watch. I just can't cope with the freaky stuff."

2011-04-25T18:48:00.000-07:00

"Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?"

2011-04-22T14:54:00.000-07:00

"They took from their surroundings what was needed and made of it something more."

2011-04-19T19:34:00.000-07:00

"No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old."

2011-04-18T22:42:00.000-07:00

"You think you can get the straight, maybe break some deserving teeth?"

2011-04-14T21:47:00.000-07:00

"Is white guilt supposed to make me forget that I run a business?"

2011-04-13T00:08:00.000-07:00

"The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners."

2011-04-11T20:03:00.001-07:00

" I should send you to Crenshaw Pete with his hot-ass coat hangers, bitch. Would you like that?"

2011-04-07T19:59:00.000-07:00

"I just don't think I can continue to live in a place that embraces and nurtures apathy as if it was virtue."

2011-04-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

"How do you shoot the Devil in the back? What if you miss?"

2011-04-05T00:13:00.000-07:00

"I didn't know you liked The Delfonics.."

2011-04-01T15:21:00.000-07:00

"You're looking at a Boeski, a Jim Brown, a Miss Daisy, two Jethros and a Leon Spinks, not to mention the biggest Ella Fitzgerald ever."

2011-03-31T14:18:00.000-07:00

"If the police don't defend us, maybe we ought to do it ourselves."

2011-03-30T23:11:00.000-07:00

"Outlaws wear black. Fags and cocaine dealers wear white."

2011-03-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

"Can't cut anyone's balls off with trimmers now, can I?"

2011-03-30T23:06:00.000-07:00

Battle: Los Angeles

2011-03-13T23:45:00.000-07:00

Well goddamn, it's been near two years since we've updated last, but this year's rush of summer flicks is officially here, so we figured it's a good time to get off our asses and plop down in those sticky theater seats..

This summer brings with it a record amount of sequels/remakes: twenty fucking seven, up from twenty-four from 2003 [LOTR: Return of the King took home the Oscar for Best Picture lolz]. That being said, we were hoping Battle: Los Angeles [does anyone know what the official title of this fucking movie is?!] was going be to one of the few fairly original flicks to release in 2011. But we sort of forgot this movie was being touted as a "Black Hawk Down meets Independence Day" action flick for over a year now. Woops. But hey, we love Ridley Scott, Will Smith, militainment, alien motherships, and a little Jeff Goldblum never hurt anyone, right?

The beginning of Battle: LA [??] has a slightly effective front bookend to setup the entire film: August 12, 2011 is the day Los Angeles and the entire planet is attacked by an unknown combatant. The quickstart skips a lengthy setup a la Emmerich's opus and abruptly throws us onto a CH-53 transport with a bunch of Marines freaking out, unidentified objects are making crazy donut clouds in atmo, and Aaron "I make my own luck" Eckhart looks like someone shit in his cereal. But just as quickly as everything spooled up, we're timestamped 24 hours prior to "contact."

Now personally I'm a big fan of using this technique to establish a sense of urgency or clarify where the hell we are in the world [Spy Game!!], but it's easy to over do it for no reason whatsoever. We never leave Santa Monica for two hours and there aren't that many characters to keep track of, on top of the fact that the time/textstamps are used haphazardly. By the time the third act hits, Marines are dropping left and right and it's quite difficult to tell if "Ruiz" or "Harris" or "Guerrero" just took a round to the face and I don't think the viewer needs to be told repeatedly that our Marine unit is trying to get back to their "Forward Operating Base or F.O.B."

That aside, the 24 hour jump in time allows us to get a nice little glimpse at our main players before they're deployed in two weeks. Not surprisingly, the cast is made up of the usual suspects: one Marine Lieutenant is a soon to be father and this is his first time leading a squad into combat, "damn I look good in Marine issue corrective lenses" Ne-Yo is about to get hitched, some rookie who can't hold his booze when in the company of San Diego golf course skanks worries about whether he has what it takes to be a Marine, and Harvey Two-Face realizes he's an old fart with bad knees and is ready to say goodbye to the Marine Corps after returning from Iraq having lost a few of his men. And then aliens attack and the shit hits the proverbial fan.

All things considered this was a great action flick. True it had a funky start, but it balanced character development, didn't go overboard with the CG [Read: Skyline], and the combat sequences are top notch. Sound design was also well done. Stalker alien clicking noises [no, not like a predator goddamn it] was creepy as hell. Unfortunately, this movie could not decide on a cinematic style; one second it uses BSG-style zooms for dramatic effect, then you're POV-ing through a firefight in a suburban neighborhood, or you're staring down an ACOG-scope through a smokey alley at Glenn-the-dog. A little more consistency would have been nice; more than once I was concerned more about how many Sour Patch Kids I was down to as opposed to how our heroes were going to survive. Also, Michelle Rodriguez looks good in digital camo.

Once you have a better grasp that this flick is more Black Hawk Down than ID4 with a hint of Cloverfield and Saving Private Ryan to boot, you're good to go. Battle chooses not to focus on aliens attacking or why [this is simply a narrative setup], but rather on the Marines themselves and how they respond to a faceless invader intent on world annihilation. If you aren't a fan of fun action chockfull of predictable Marine jargon ["Toss me another mag! Make it count!" "First in, last out!" Hoorah!" "I'll see you on the beach!" Oop.. maybe not that last one..] go check out Mars Needs Moms instead.

One final tidbit we took away from today's adventure: We were not expecting Battle Los Angeles [??] to be such a Marine recruitment film; I mean it's not as bad as the Transformers franchise, but damn do they make the Marines look badass; quite possibly another product of the Hollywood/American Armed Forces Propaganda Machine. Semper Fi. And with that…

1. Have aliens never heard of flak guns before?

2. Can Michael "I love to racism, bro!" Pena really shoot an M4 like a boss?

3 Are Abrams tanks really that ineffective against alien threats?

4. Was that moneyshot joke really necessary?

Observe and Report

2009-04-21T17:38:00.000-07:00

Let's pretend like we haven't been reading about Seth Rogen's new flick Observe and Report for the past few months... Based on the trailer that's been making rounds on the internet and from various TV spots, we've come to a few conclusions:

1. It's a laugh riot.
2. It 's a laugh riot with Seth Rogen.
3. It's a laugh riot with Seth Rogen as a mall security cop.

Pretty straightforward, eh? Well, it's not quite as cookie cutter as you might think. For one, Observe and Report is not about Rogen chasing down your typical skateboarder mall rats, looking for love in all the wrong places [read: beauticians jocking the cosmetics counter], and catching the usual pervert flashing his junk at unsuspecting women in the mall parking lot. Well, it is, but that's not what makes it such an interesting watch. Instead of just making a more adult- themed Paul Blart family comedy, Jody Hill [writer/director, natch] has finally blindsided the public with a cinematic curve ball we're sure most moviegoers aren't ready for.

Jody Hill 101: In the year 2006, Mr. Hill broke into the comedy scene with the stunning debut that was Foot Fist Way. You may remember it's lead, one Danny "I'm trying to put tiger balm on this jungle's nuts" McBride? The movie was such a cult hit that Will Farrell started circulating the dvd around the Hollywood comedy elite, whom I can only assume has nothing better to do than pass around funny dvds to each other. With Farrell as his new backer, Mr. Hill started writing a little TV show called Eastbound and Down, also starring Danny "maybe your wife's gonna buttfuck someone tonight" McBride. With the help of Pineapple Express director David Gordon Green, the show received a considerable amount of praise and has recently been renewed for a second season on HBO. What can we learn from all of this? Two things: first, Will Farrell is either a fucking genius or has too much time on his hands; second, Jody Hill has begun a mini movie revolution that is just barely making itself known to the greater movie watching population.

As Riley Freeman would put it, "I don't want to dick ride or nuthin," but Jody Hill's cranked out some pretty epic material in the past few years. In a world where I can't go see a funny movie in the theater without it somehow being connected to Judd Apatow, I'm ready for a breath of fresh air.* This pretty much gets us back to Observe and Report and the shifting zeitgeist of movies that aren't written by a Segel, Rogen, Goldberg, or an Apatow. Or all of them at once. Oh wait, that was called Knocked Up. Nevermind.

We wouldn't call Seth Rogen's performance in Observe and Report spectacular, but we will congratulate the man on avoiding a rehash of his previous character type, that of a well-meaning, yet somehow unmotivated twenty something Jewish male who doesn't quit with the funnies. His portrayal of a mentally ungrounded manic depressive is captivating, entertaining, and quite disturbing. Since you won't find a review of this movie without some mention of how it's just like Taxi Driver, we'll join the band wagon too. By the end of the flick, you're gonna see some real shit go down. Hard drug use? Check. Questionable post-tequila shot coital relations? Check. Unnecessary yet completely appreciated gunplay/talk? Double check. This flick has it all, and it's not because Jody Hill is fishing for laughs. He's really trying to fuck with your brain and if you aren't even a little thrown off by the end of Rogen's ridiculous 1 hour, 40 minute downward spiral, then we'd like to shake your hand [note: this is not a direct invitation for you to shake our hands; we're just trying to make a point]. We were left wondering how Jody Hill convinced a major studio to green light this fucker, but hey, we're glad it got a wide release.

Perhaps it's time for the movie watching public to know that there is an alternative out there ready to satiate their comedic desires. Maybe they're ready to have their brains stimulated by original content without foregoing a thoroughly entertaining movie experience. It's possible that the continual Apatow bombardment will end and we'll get something fresher as a result. Or we could be entirely wrong and we just wasted the last few moments of your life. No matter, Observe and Report got a good response out of us. Check it out. You might be surprised. And with that,

1. Is lithium really a good party drug?
2. Can an alcoholic actually keep his/her shit together by switching from hard liquor to beer?
3. Is Aziz Ansari's dick really brown?

* To be clear, I do not consider Observe and Report an Apatow flick for a few reasons. Seth Rogen is the Apatow golden calf, yes, but Jody Hill has done a great job of keeping him reigned in, avoiding all of that improv business Kevin Smith couldn't quite quell in Zack and Miri Make A Porno. Despite McBride's attachment to the Apatow crew in a recent Vanity Fair article, his relations to Jody Hill are closer and his breakthrough was not a direct result of Freaks and Geeks getting cancelled.

Watchmen

2009-03-05T09:44:00.000-08:00

All right. Despite the ridiculous push and shove that's expected with big studio legal nightmares [Warner and Fox, we're looking at you...] the day has finally arrived [a few days early for us just because we're always doing it big]: probably the most hyped movie of 2009, Watchmen, hits theaters this weekend across the country causing every fanboy within 10 feet of an ethernet connection to wet himself.

After a quick meal of deep fried chicken and biscuits we grabbed our tickets, found some nice seats mid-left of the theater and waited until the lights went down and the show began, and boy what a show it was. After a quick and modest DC/Watchmen title flash we're thrown into the middle of a dark living room watching television with one of the film's main characters checking out the various talk shows and commercials from an alternate 1985 the movie takes place in. Now, if you've read the graphic novel you know what's about to go down: the front door gets kicked in, a brutal ass beating takes place, and our fellow TV watcher gets thrown out of a 10 story window. Zoom in on a bloody smiley face pin and voila! you've got the first few minutes of Watchmen. The title sequence that follows is very impressive and it gives the viewer a little glimpse of the strange world The Watchmen used to patrol up until a government act outlawed costumed vigilantism. This is pretty much where the rest of the movie picks up, exploring the reason why said TV watcher was given an impromptu flying lesson and what this means for the rest of the world.

We won't go into all the nitty gritty themes/subplots that unfold throughout Watchmen [there's too much to get through and we're too lazy] but we will say this: the movie's a great cinematic experience, even if it is considered a "comic book flick" with funny superheroes walking around talking like Christian "I'm gonna fucking kick your fucking ass" Bale's Batman. What this film does well is throw you a curve ball mucking up what you think a comic book movie should look like. Plus there's tons of explosions, sexy chicks in tight latex, your usual Zack Snyder super slo-mo action sequences, and oh yeah.. Mickey from Seinfeld shows up midway through the film as a disgruntled prison inmate. Oh, that reminds us...

Warning: there are quite a few scenes that'll make even the slightly squeamish run for the loo or the theater next to you that's playing Fired Up. This movie's rated R for a good reason, so don't let your 12 year old convince you that it's all fun and games with Ace and Gary running around fighting crime.

To recap: Zack Snyder's Watchmen is a visual attack on your eyes, but in a good way [fuck you Speed Racer]. The man's devoted a lot of time to make sure this movie doesn't skimp on the special effects and it definitely shows. Unfortunately, this means that a lot of the character development doesn't quite happen and it hurts this film because the reason it's such a big deal is because the characters are what make the story work in the first place. Yes, it's action packed, yes they're trying to prevent the end of the world, but without the human element the entire film suffers. You're left feeling confused about why you should care about the film's characters at all and in the end, there's just a little something missing. Not to say that this ruins Watchmen altogether, it's just what happens when you take one medium and try to transpose one of its most sacred works to film. That and some of the musical choices make you scratch your head for a few seconds.

The film's cast includes Billy "Prefontaine" Crudup, Malin "shotgun anus!" Akerman, Matthew Goode, Jackie "try to get out of this one Macgyver!" Earle Haley, TV extraordinaire Jeffrey Dean Morgan, Patrick "I'm a dumb homeowner" Wilson, and Carla "I hate Ari Gold" Gugino. Directed by Zack Snyder [Dawn of the Dead remake, 300]. And with that,

1. Do multiple Dr. Manhattan's in bed qualify as a menage a trois?
2. What the hell does a tachyon really do?
3. Am I wrong or did Veidt own a goddamn Liger?
4. Is a flash fryer really the best weapon to deter a prison shanking?

Milk

2008-12-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

Towards the end of the year it's not surprising to see the number of decent flicks in theaters dwindle. However, 2008 has a nice little spread of films to suit most anybody's needs. In the mood for a touchy feely movie you can take the whole family to see? Check out Marley & Me. What if you're leaning more toward shit blowing up, guns, and cleavage galore? Frank Miller's The Spirit has got you covered. How 'bout something for the indie lover? Check out Frost/Nixon or Milk, two historically centered flicks highlighting the political climates of the past helmed by two very accomplished directors: Ron "don't you dare call me 'ginger'" Howard and Gus "bitch, I made Good Will Hunting" Van Sant, respectively. As you might have guessed by now, I happened to catch Van Sant's Milk before hightailing it out of New England for a more optimal climate (read: California).

Milk is a wonderful biopic about the life and times of one Harvey Milk (played by Sean "Spicoli" Penn), the first openly gay elected public official who held office in San Francisco's Castro District in 1978 until his assassination (sorry if I ruined the ending of the movie there, but come on, it's history people) along with Mayor George Moscone. The movie begins with Harvey relaying his experiences as a gay citizen, public official hopeful, and finally as a powerful symbol of human rights to a tape recorder, a lovely storytelling device that holds this flick together, especially when Gus' flick needs some roping in. But I'll get to that a little later... The movie transitions relatively smoothly from past to present, giving us a nice deep look at Harvey's motivations for putting himself in the limelight, making himself a target for praise and condemnation.

The cast is rounded out by James "Fuck Jeff Goldblum" Franco, Emile "I made out with Elisha Cuthbert" Hirsch, Diego "why did I make Havana Nights?" Luna, and Josh "I've come a long way since Hollow Man" Brolin. The supporting characters in this movie are fleshed out perfectly, complimenting and accentuating Harvey Milk's down-to-earth, "why can't we all just get along?" rationale, although I must say Diego Luna's portrayal of Harvey's Spanish lover inadvertently made me forever hate his whiny bitch of a soul. I digress. The acting in this movie is superb and despite the obvious amount of artistic freedom taken with the historical parts of the film, you really do feel like you're privy to the most private of moments in these characters' lives. The acting is a little too good, one might say. Milk is an emotional rollercoaster and I wouldn't be surprised if the usual moviegoer lets loose some waterworks throughout the movie. Just be happy it wasn't a cute cuddly dog with a red bow making you cry like a little girl with a scraped knee (although that's completely acceptable too, you big man baby you).

Although I enjoyed Gus Van Sant's film very much, I did have a few problems with it. Throughout the movie, Gus likes to utilize normal film stock, found footage from 1978, and mock-footage that's either filtered or filmed with super grainy high speed film in black and white. This accomplishes a nice effect, although Gus cuts from each film type in a very haphazard manner, making for a confusing experience. Perhaps this is supposed to blur the line between timeframes or between Harvey's political and personal life, but it does throw off the spectator more than a few times. Nonetheless, I did embrace the theme of documentation that flows underneath Sean Penn's performance: from beginning to end, this movie is all about recording one's ideals whether this happens in the form of a public identity, personal tape recordings, photography, and so on and so forth. Maybe it was by accident, by I'm willing to give Gus the benefit of the doubt.

I've always been a fan of Gus's flicks and he hasn't let me down this time. If you're looking for a nice little foray out of the typical popcorn movie lineup, check this film out. And with that...

1. Does eating too much junk food really make you go crazy?
2. Who would be a better Harvey Milk: Robin Williams or Sean Penn? [Robin Williams was originally attached to the lead...fyi]
3. Is Sarah Palin the new Anita Bryant?

P.S. Gus Van Sant's Milk is up for a Golden Globe for Best Actor. Best of luck Mr. Penn.

Zack And Miri Make A Porno

2008-11-20T03:51:00.000-08:00

Preface: we are die hard Kevin Smith fans. We own his movies in various formats, met him personally, quote his flicks constantly [incessantly at times], and even own his books. Yes, we own books that contain the most inane and personal details most wouldn't want to know about any filmmaker or their closest of friends. For instance, Mr. Smith likes to beat off to nudies of his wife in the morning while said spouse sleeps or that he likes to play Nintendo DS while he takes his morning deuce. Needless to say, we spend a lot of our own personal life devouring anything and everything Kevin Smith. That being said, we were expecting a certain sort of movie out Zack and Miri Make A Porno. But before we get ahead of ourselves..

Kevin Smith's latest flick entails the story of two lifelong friends - Zack and Miri, natch - who find themselves unable to pay utilities bills and are on the verge of being homeless. As you might have guessed by this point, they decide to make their own porno with some friends and coworkers and all of a sudden you've got the first 15 minutes of the film. To quote Riley Freeman, "that's all you get for free." An extra $10-ish bucks is going to get you, in no particular order:

1. Seth Rogen doing his standard Apatow improv
2. Nudity up to your asshole
3. Elizabeth "I like to do it myself" Banks
4. One of the most unbelievable bodily fluids sight gags ever caught on celluloid
5. Darryl from The Office.. Enough said.

Not a bad lot considering your admission price, but something is definitely amiss once you actually plop your ass down in one of those sticky theater seats and start taking in the flick. For one, the film oscillates too much between the fart/dick jokes that have become the norm for Smith films of late and the touchy-feely rom-coms laden with epic monologues that Kevin seems to have a soft spot for. Now, generally this isn't a bad thing, especially since I've long considered Kevin Smith an expert at whipping together a ridiculous mish mash of poop jokes, unconventional love stories, and witty banter all without seeming like he's another Apatow disciple. Perhaps Kevin somehow lost his usual barometer for judging what makes it past editing, or maybe it's hard to ignore the presence of improv-tongued Seth Rogen, but for whatever reason Zack and Miri often feels uncertain. Kevin Smith once noted that his style is that he "has no style." This is taken to the nth degree in Zack and Miri and at times - several to be exact - you can't even tell this is a Kevin Smith film at all. The intellectual, sharp dialogue isn't as a engaging, but it has its moments; the characters get developed, but in the end you just don't seem that invested in Rogen's pornographic quagmire; a lot of the jokes are toss away gags and honestly, seem too childish even for Kevin Smith's usual demographic.

My qualms aside, Zack and Miri was a great watch. It might not have had the same effect Clerks or Mallrats or Dogma had on me, but I'm more than happy to throw a little coin at Kevin. Job well done, albeit unorthodox, at least in Kevin Smith standards. Although I wasn't that surprised, Craig Robinson pretty much ran away with this movie. Every moment he's on screen is gold and definitely carries the film a long way.

I might be a fan in denial, but I was able to ignore the bit of doubt clinging to the back of my head that maybe Kevin has lost it, maybe his time is up as a pioneer of honest, accessible moviemaking. But fuck that. If anything, I see this as a prime opportunity for Mr. Smith to start taking his stripped down visual style and proclivity to write humorous and thoughtful dialogue in other directions. His future projects include a sci-fi flick set in space and a thriller having to do with religious fanatics, both intriguing concepts and I hope he gets them off the ground. With that,

1. No Ben Affleck cameo?
2. Although it looks like a lot of fun, how feasible is a double-dutch rudder in a live-fire bedroom scenario?
3. Is anal sex really the preferred laxative for porn stars?
4. Is Black Friday really a corporate racist conspiracy to keep the black man down?

P.S. In case you're a horror junkie (like us), there are plenty of little zombie/Romero easter eggs in this flick. The Monroeville Mall, the hockey jersey Zack sports, plus a wonderful cameo from Sex Machine a.k.a. gore effects master Tom Savini!!

Quarantine

2008-10-12T13:08:00.000-07:00

The long tradition of remaking foreign horror flicks hasn't let up this year, and since Halloween is right around the corner, we're not surprised that Hollywood's gobbling up every piece of celluloid it can get its greedy little hands on. That or it's milking franchises that should have shit the bed years ago [Saw V, we're looking at you...] A year ago a Spanish flick named [REC] hit the scene and got a positive reception from the world's horror buffs, thus lighting a fire under Hollywood's ass and BAM! Quarantine was born. The plot's pretty straightforward: Angela, a cutie newsreporter, and her cameraman shadow a team of very enthusiastic - and horny - firefighters in Los Angeles, they answer a 911 call involving an old woman in a sketchy apartment complex, and one neck-bite later, we're stuck in the middle of a P.O.V. pesudo-zombie shit show. As per usual horror flick standards, people foaming at the mouth and moaning in pain doesn't alert anyone that some real shit is about to go down. Once you get past the initial setup, Quarantine hits the ground running and you get caught up in the panic and frenzy that is pretty much the entire movie.

Quarantine is probably one of the best horror flicks we've seen this year. Although it runs through the standard jump out of your seat moments, the fresh spin on a mysterious epidemic in a big city and the military's involvement combined our love for big guns and biological threats that need to be eliminated with sniper fire. Quarantine is terrifying, the premise is fairly believable, and it consistently delivers the scares even after you think you've seen it all. Granted the ending is a bit cookie-cutter, it'll give the typical moviegoer nightmares.

Our complaints are few and far between. One of our major concerns going into this one was the gimmicky, vomit-inducing camerawork that goes hand-in-hand with these flicks. Recall Cloverfield and that asshole who wouldn't put the fucking camera down and help kill some critters or Diary of the Dead and the epic fail moment when the gang decides to charge their camera's battery in a hospital overrun with braineaters. We won't even mention The Blair Witch Project.. Luckily, Quarantine does a good job of avoiding too much shaky cam and it doesn't look like it was filmed by someone with a bad case of palsy. Our other problem with this flick was the complete lack of a final girl scenario and unless you've been brushing up on your Carol Clover, we'll warn you now: this movie doesn't help the feminist cause in horror movies of late. If you're up for a nice scare, do yourself a favor, check out Quarantine, and tell Saw V to "suck it!!" And with that...

1. Is the CDC really trained to fire M4s with red dot sights?
2. Are mad scientists always up to no good in their attics?
3. Is handball actually the preferred past-time activity for firefighters?
4. Does nightvision always make that badass Splinter Cell/Buffalo Bill sound when it powers up?

Rambo

2008-07-25T18:43:00.000-07:00

First of all, the 4^th Stallone Rambo film that came out earlier this year isn’t really called Rambo 4…its just Rambo (despite how an imdb.com search for “Rambo 4” yields this movie). You might be thinking “well damn, wasn’t the first one in the series called Rambo?” Nope– that would be First Blood. Then after that you have Rambo: First Blood part II…and the oddly ironic desert combat installment featuring the Taliban would be Rambo III. If this was more than you cared to know about the Rambo series you’re probably not alone. But we love details and also love Rambo, so we’re going to approach this review with a deep growling yell as if we ourselves were about to steer a tank into a Hind helicopter.

The film did moderately well, grossing a bit over $112MM internationally with a budget of $50MM. We thought this would be cool to review since it’s out on DVD and come on, it’s Rambo.

The story begins with choppy newsreels that establish the violence in Burma (a.k.a Myanmar) in a manner reminiscent of the intro to a zombie movie. So much so that you’re waiting for Johnny Cash’s “The Man Comes Around” to start up. But as bad as it looks, that a man (Stallone) will in fact come around, and kick everyone’s ass. This movie makes a good effort to bring the story of John Rambo out of the Cold War era and into the 21^st century....we guess. Its slightly more creative than Behind Enemy Lines 2: Axis of Evil.

Here’s the plot – a group of ignorant American church volunteers travel into war-torn Burma to help peacefully change things but get caught, resulting in their manager hiring a team of mercenaries, escorted by Stallone, to break them out of a POW camp. How is Rambo even involved? The nihilistic ex-green beret who spends his time as a boat captain and trapping snakes for cash gave them a ride up the river.

This flick mixes feelings of guilt, anger, relief and gruffly-delivered one-liners in a non-stop action packed 1.5hrs. This one is also pretty dark, bringing up the uncomfortable connotations of civil war in 3^rd world countries and the problems Americans face when they try to fix them (much like Tears of the Sun, Black Hawk Down or Blood Diamond). It’s also hard to miss the struggle to reconcile violence in a religious and humanitarian setting – the film beats you over the head with a rock (pun intended) but falls short of reaching a conclusion.

They must have also brought on a new gore guy for this movie, because its way more graphic and gruesome. In my mind I can hear Nathan Explosion grumbling “Brutal…”. People are essentialy meat sacks, and explode like the oozing zombies in Planet Terror. Add in a ton of guys, a boat vs. truck machine gun battle, a .50cal sniper rifle, a borderline rape scene and a knife kill, and you have a solid R rating. Rambo also holds the record in the Rambo franchise for the most kills, coming in at 262. Want some other ridiculously useless Rambo stats? Check out this link.

Also worthy of note – Stallone did a short Comcast spot explaining how this movie is about people in their most primitive state, morality, etc. which was interesting because none of those really come off clearly in the movie. Rambo was probably not intended for analysis, but if it makes it into a religious studies seminar out there let us know.

Questions we’re left with:

1) In what movie is the British SAS not badass?

2) Wouldn’t backseat gun turrets have a depression safety feature?

3) Our idea of a Stallone/Schwarzenegger combo for Rambo: Commando II = awesome? Thoughts?

p.s – Brace yourself for a Rambo V…hell yea, its in pre-production

I Want To Believe

2008-07-25T17:11:00.000-07:00

This summer's been jam packed with enough nerdy goodness to make even Kevin Smith himself cream his pants. First there was Favreau's Iron Man that has pretty much guaranteed a steady flow of comic book movies for the next few years, then The Incredible Hulk, which tied everyone over until the long awaited The Dark Knight face fucked everyone under the sun. Even my seventy year-old grandma wants to see Nolan's opus. [Note: I'm quite aware that I just implied TDK face fucked my grandmother.] Needless to say, I was counting on X-Files: I Want To Believe to satiate my deepest nerdy desires even after being inundated with a barrage of superhero flicks.

We've been fans of the series for years and are surprised that more people aren't into the show, considering the recent explosion of sci-fi shows on television [Heroes, Battlestar Galactica, Dr. Who, Lost]. Much to our dismay, most kids these days don't give two shits about The X-Files, Chris Carter, or the fact that it lasted a respectable nine seasons on-air.. on Fox.. arguably the number one killer of most sci-fi shows in the history of broadcast television. What's more, the first film [in case you didn't realize one existed] hit theaters ten years ago.. TEN years. That's a decade people, and the show finished its run six years after that. Quite respectable, even if Mexican goatsuckers, little green men, or seeing Giovanni Ribisi turn Jack Black into a human light-bulb isn't your cup of tea. But enough venting..

I Want To Believe takes place six years after Mulder [David "I heart Pedigree" Duchovny and Scully [Gillian "Former Sexiest Woman in the World" Anderson] have left the F.B.I. Scully's the resident badass doctor at a children's hospital and Mulder's grown himself a Grizzly Adams beard. The rest of the movie is pretty simple: something weird goes down in West Virginia [big surprise right? it was there or New Jersey..], the F.B.I can't figure out what the fuck is going on, Xzibit shows up, and Mulder & Scully are on the case. Obviously, there's more to it than that, but Chris Carter's kept the subplots under lock and key, so I'll let you pay ten bucks and figure out what the all the hoo-ha is about.. That is, of course, if you want to. And you just might want to pass and catch a second viewing of The Dark Knight instead. Here's why:

This movie, no matter how much Chris Carter has promised otherwise, is for the hardcore fans. It's basically an extended version of the show's staple standalone episode [as opposed to the mythology or comedic variety]. That being said, I think this is the best thing about this movie: it's not trying to take the show and stylize it for the bigsreen, but instead you feel like you're sitting in an abnormally large living room watching an episode on SciFi on a huge plasma TV. The only thing this movie was missing was a few Geico commercials and a teaser for Eureka. Unfortunately, this is what's going to turn most people away. Despite the best attempts to include some kind of backstory, it just doesn't work out well. There are a ton of "fuck yeah!" moments, but if you're there on a whim, they're just gonna go over your head and leave you disappointed. The story isn't the greatest, I'll admit, but I enjoyed this flick simply because it was exactly what I was expecting, which isn't a lot for the usual moviegoer. Do yourself and the legion of diehard X-Files fans a favor and pass on this one if you can't tell the difference between a "Skinman" and a "Cigarette Smoking Man." And with that...

1. Why is West Virginia such a shithole?
2. Was that George W. Bush moment really necessary?
3. Are swimming pools the best way to pickup chicks?
4. Does Gillian Anderson in fact dislike scratchy beards?

P.S. If you're a fan of Battlestar Galactica, you're gonna get a nice little surprise.. So say we all!!

I'm Not There

2008-06-04T17:44:00.000-07:00

Now, I'm the furthest thing from a Bob Dylan fan. In fact, I didn't know anything about the dude until I saw this flick, but only because I was so fucking confused that I had to make a mad dash to Wikipedia and enlighten myself. This helped. Sort of. I'm Not There is pretty much an artsy fartsy, mish mosh of beautiful imagery, great music, and a wank fest of stars: you've got yourself Christian "I'm Batman!" Bale, Cate "I can speak elven" Blanchett, Richard "I rescue hookers from the street" Gere, the late Heath Ledger, and the crowd pleasing David "I just blue myself" Cross. As Allen Ginsberg. Fucking weird, right? Well, that's pretty much what the entire movie is like. Just bizarre beyond belief, which is either a testament to the life and times of Bob Dylan or the desperate attempts to make this flick something other than an attempt to get a Dylan biography on the big screen without it seeming boring.

The flick follows six different aspects of Bob Dylan's life as protrayed by six different actors in six different non-linear timeframes with six different ways to confuse you. One second you're watching Blanchett play Dylan at the height of his popularity doing drugs in hotel rooms and then all of a sudden you're on a horse with Richard Gere trying to find his lost dog, like fucking Homeward Bound. This was cool and all because this meant I could see so many actors I like in the same movie without there being some kind of casino heist involved. The only problem was that this got tired quicker than Ben Stiller's entire filmography. Fuck that guy. Anyway, as we're strung along through different elements of the singer/songwriter's lifestyle - folksinger, activist, struggling musician, and recluse - we're also privy to surreal dreamscapes that paint the wacky world of Bob Dylan. It's clear through the images onscreen that there's some kind of inner turmoil that plagues Dylan and unfortunately his creativity as an artist only makes things worse. He's misunderstood, full of raw emotion, and does his best to express himself to a world that's eating itself alive. Dylan's dealing with an unpopular war all over the television, pop music stealing the limelight, and a President that's dropping the ball like it was New Year's eve. Sounds a little familiar.

I'm Not There wasn't bad, but it's just way too long for someone who isn't a Dylan fan, and frankly, I think that's being a little generous. The random juxtaposition of Dylan personas is just plain confusing. Unless you've got a crib sheet right next to you during this flick, you're better off just looking at all the pretty pictures and marveling at the heavy handed Bob Dylan quotes that saturate this movie. That and you get to see a whale eat a little boy. And with that...

1. How many fucking cigarettes did Bob Dylan smoke a day?
2. What are the odds of surviving a hobo dive from a moving train into a huge river?
3. Did The Beatles really just appear out of thin air in a big poof of smoke?

Mr. Brooks

2008-05-30T15:41:00.000-07:00

Going into this one, I was expecting something kind of like an American Psycho/Silence Of the Lambs hybrid; now, this isn't too far from the truth, but it's just a hint of the genre fuck fest Mr. Brooks attempts to be. Kevin "I'm the last Postman on Earth" Costner is the movie's namesake, a charming family man and successful entrepreneur whose favorite past time is NOT baseball, favoring the less popular, but apparently more exhilarating, late night serial killing outings. Oh, and he also likes to make pottery. The glazed kind.

Within the first few minutes, the movie quickly establishes that Costner's character bumps elbows with the best of them, has a family that adores him, and has an imaginary friend that has more on his mind than a nude tea party in the Bluth family attic. After receiving the "Man Of the Year" award [????] Mr. Brooks treats himself and his alter ego, innocently named Marshall, to a double homicide involving a mid-coitus couple and a horny Dane "I once made out with Jessica Alba" Cook, secretly watching the act from his nearby apartment. And we're off!! The rest of the flick is a bit of a mess, as it follows:

1. Dane Cook's attempts to blackmail Costner for a course in Serial Killing 101
2. Mr. Brooks' dodging the long arm of the law, specifically that of the lovely, cradle robbing Demi Moore
3. Demi's nightmare of a divorce and the legal proceedings that follow
4. Mr. Brooks' daughter, who seems to have inherited her father's taste for man blood
5. Meeks, a pissed off killer on the lam seeking revenge on the previously mentioned cradle robber

The movie goes everywhere all the fucking time, and at times it's hard to keep track of why we need to be privy to such inane matters such as the haggling over Demi's divorce settlement or daughter Brooks' struggle with the fact that she's carrying the lovechild of a mystery man she met during a tryst midway through her freshman year. I understand that these subplots need to be there because they tie together all the loose ends, but these devices are so obvious it makes for a clunky, unnecessarily convoluted movie simply about a dude who enjoys killing people for a recreational activity, like fishing or whittling small wood figures that tell the future. The movie transitions awkwardly between moments that examine Coster's inner turmoil concerning his addiction to brutal slayings and other instances involving Demi having a little target practice in seedy motel hallways to The Matrix theme. Mr. Brooks is pretty much like taking Henry: Portrait Of A Serial Killer, Se7en, and American Psycho, throw them in a pot, add some broth, a potato, and make a nice stew, as per Carl Weathers' specific instructions. Except that it's not a nice stew, but more like a gazpacho [Note: I apologize to anyone who enjoys gazpacho or other cold soups].

I enjoyed the good majority of Mr. Brooks. Although it may not be entirely original, it's a fresh take on the serial killer genre made popular by Natural Born Killers and American Psycho. I would have liked to see Coster take out a few more people, maybe in like a dance club just like Tom Cruise in Collateral, or maybe Dane Cook piss his pants a few more times, but hey, I guess seeing a grown man wet himself once is all you really need. And with that...

1. Is it really that hard to shoot down a hallway?
2. Who's a more charming serial killer: Mr. Brooks or Patrick Bateman?
3. What's the return rate on an investment in a cemetery?
4. What's a better front for a serial killer: investment banker or box maker?

Diary Of The Dead

2008-05-28T23:48:00.000-07:00

There's a few things I like to experience in a zombie flick:

1. Zombies that eat people
2. A protagonist(s) I care about and don't want to see eaten by said zombies
3. Hot chicks
4. Guns, explosives, swords, or some combination thereof
5. Brains, guts, and flesh ripped apart

That being said, Diary Of the Dead fulfills all criteria with flying colors. Great, right? WRONG. This movie was far from great. For some reason, Romero got all the ingredients right, yet somehow managed to fuck up the zombie pot pie. Don't get me wrong, though; the movie wasn't outright awful, it just tried too hard to be the creme de la creme of zombie brain fests. The film tries - and fails - to whip a little message at the viewer through clumsy Sarah Connor-esque voice overs concerning the fact that the dead have risen while simultaneously splattering brains about. Now, this would work perfectly if the characters weren't college students waxing intellectual about the meaning of a new world where you can't die without wanting to eat your little brother. Unfortunately, this isn't the case and instead of a regression to animalistic survival behavior a la 28 Days Later, we're treated to long diatribes about why the world's going to hell in a handbasket. Pleasant. Diary Of the Dead's not completely over thought, thank the gods, because there are plenty of awesome moments that made me not wish I'd rented season one of Entourage instead. For instance, have you ever seen a deaf Amish dude throw a stick of dynamite at a mob of zombies and get a triple kill? Yeah, neither had I, until I saw one do it in Diary. Ever see a swimming pool full of a zombie family like a bunch of goldfish? What about a zombie boy take an arrow to the head like he was a target in high school archery class? And a zombie mummy rip the clothes off a damsel in distress [nudity!! yes!] ? You can imagine my inability to take these well armed college kids' woes to heart, due to the rapid switch from serious zombie drama to slapstick zombie tomfoolery. That, in a nutshell, is Romero's supposed revival of his beloved Dead series. And with that...

1. Are all Amish dudes packing a shed full of dynamite?
2. Why is Jason Creed such a failure? Damn film students...
3. Did Diary rip off [REC] near the end with the old couple?
4. Could I really still watch youtube in a zombie apocalypse?

AVP:R

2008-05-09T23:04:00.000-07:00

a.k.a. “Alien vs. Predator: Requiem”

Ok, we realize that this movie came out last Christmas, but thought it’d be cool to discuss, seeing as how it was recently released on DVD. The original Alien and Predator hold a special place in our hearts, and what better way to appreciate them than rant about this flick for a bit. Plus it’s Friday, and being not far off from Ice Cube, you could say “we ain’t got shit to do.”

There was speculation on imdb.com discussion boards that AVP:R was in the running for the worst film of 2007. That is obviously not true, as anyone who has ventured into straight-to-DVD releases can tell you. What AVP:R is, is a more refined and less accessible addition to the series. That’s no reason for the movie not to kick ass though, and here’s why:

For those not familiar with Aliens or Predators, here’s a very brief review of the franchise:

--Predator 1& 2: 8’ tall aliens that like to hunt people for sport and can cloak. Apparently frequent South American jungles and Los Angeles.

--Alien quadrilogy: Creatures that kill on sight, have acid for blood, and are generally unpleasant.

--Alien vs. Predator: Add these two sci-fi monsters and have them fight in an ancient temple under ice in Antarctica. Toss in an exploration team lead by the dude who played Bishop in Aliens and you have a good movie right? Well, no. It was like combining two good Kool-Aid flavors, but then you add too much water and realize you’re also out of sugar. Maybe this movie was trying too hard to be safe and mainstream. And whose idea was it to have Predators go 80% of AVP without their shoulder cannons? For those who don’t know, the plasma weapon is what took off Carl Weathers’s arm in Predator, and is preceded by three laser dots of doom. Predator is to plasma castor as Ash is to boomstick. It’s as straightforward as an SAT analogy. (R.I.P you bastard portion of that test…)

AVP:R is not a simple AVP # 2. The plot picks up right where AVP left off, with a “Predalien” hatching and starting shit on the Predator’s ship, which immediately crashes into the American Northwest. A father and son hunting duo provide the escaped alien face-huggers with victims, and voila, you’ve got an alien problem. Meanwhile in Predator land, a badass Predator sees the ship crash on TV and busts ass over to Earth to clean things up. The first 5 minutes of AVP:R have just elapsed.

The rest of the story loosely follows a set of first-name-only characters in this small town as they try to escape. But most of us know what happens when you mix a small town disaster and the government (*coughs* Outbreak). Perhaps the only thing the number “2” applies to in AVP:R is to describe the main Predator’s dual shoulder plasma casters. The theme for this movie is “excess” – maybe a response to overcompensate for the mild graphical nature of AVP. This flick really holds nothing back and plays up every dangerous aspect of each alien creature, which is what we think redeems the movie and makes it awesome. On top of that, it’s filled with “fatalities” that would make Mortal Kombat jealous. In this way AVP:R brings back the horror captured perfectly with the start of the franchise. A similar feeling of satisfaction that you’d get by tossing some f-bombs into Die Hard 4.

There’s definitely a nostalgia aspect to this flick too, which peaks once the National Guard starts blasting at xenomorphs (a wiki search revealed this was the official name for the insect-like creatures). As the high-pitched screams start to echo over the radio you almost feel like you’re back in Aliens. Did humans even kill aliens in AVP? Those goons dropped faster than the first 3 stormtroopers through a set of blast doors.

Be on the lookout too for a cameo from Francoise Yip (Black Mask, Rumble in the Bronx), who is introduced as Ms. Yatani – presumably representing half of the Wayland-Yatani group (referred to as “The Company” throughout Alien movies) that will eventually dominate space technology and corporate evildoing. We have to give AVP:R, released almost 30 years after Alien, at least some credit for this attempt at continuity. And was that a hint for third AVP film we saw at the end? In a suggestive John Stewart voice, we say “hmmm….go on”.

Things we wanted more of from AVP:R:

- A main hero we could follow (Arnold, Ripley, Danny Glover, anything). But I guess if you’re looking for plot, you’re in the wrong place.

- A handful of B-list actors to balance it out (Bill Paxton, Gary Busey, Warrick from CSI).

- Awesome underwater shots of aliens swimming (a la Resurrection)

Teeth

2008-05-08T19:41:00.000-07:00

We weren't too sure what to do with this movie. The synopsis of the flick is fairly straighforward: a young girl, Dawn, who favors abstinence discovers her vagina is equipped with teeth that mean business. You can imagine what happens once she's sexually assaulted by one of her peers. Seems like a pretty interesting watch, right? Well, after viewing Teeth our first reaction was to just rip it to pieces, but we were reminded of Janitor's words of wisdom: "Troy. That's not how we do it." The best word to describe most of this movie is "unnecessary", as embodied in the following examples:

1. The incestuous step-brother who likes to shoot airsoft pistols.
2. Guard dogs who have a taste for male genitalia.
3. The Goosebumps-esque soundtrack drowning out mediocre dialogue
4. The whole after-school-special-keep-it in-your pants message

We would have enjoyed this movie a lot more if we were more patient and hadn't seen so many rape revenge films that took less time to escalate into a mess of tension and bloody castration scenes (Last House on the Left & I Spit on Your Grave). Not to say we weren't freaked out at times. The best scene in this flick by far is the gynecologist scene: a concerned Dawn decides she's got to get herself checked out and make sure nothing's out of the ordinary down south. What a mistake. This scene is the perfect combination of moments of anticipation and horror that eventually results in a phalanges-less physician and screaming match better than Adam Smith and the city of Quahog. It's reminiscent of the of the feeling you get watching an Alien film, when some fool is slowly leaning over a hatching egg. You know the egg's gonna hatch and release a face-hugger onto the guy, but he doesn't, and no amount of his verbal speculation can stop it.

But to wrap things up, or maybe a more appropriate phrase -- to cut this off-- this film was a challenge to watch. True, it was the scariest set of teeth since the chompers Jaws sported in Moonraker, but that could only carry the movie so far. And with that...

Questions we're left with:

Are caged guard dogs really all that effective?
Was this soundtrack lifted from Ernest Scared Stupid?
When it's right, is it really Wong?

Street Kings

2008-05-07T21:00:00.000-07:00

Once we realized our local theater only had one showing of Street Kings each day late at night, our eyebrows raised. Was it hiding from us or simply stuck with a shitty showtime because of its lackluster box office numbers? Whatever the case, we were treading on egg shells with this one because a) it might suck and b) we didn't really want to get mugged walking back home from the theater. But come on, we had a laundry list of reasons to not avoid this one:

1. It's fucking Keanu.
2. Dirty cops in L.A. a la Training Day are always good for sweet shootouts.
3. Forest Whitaker scored an Oscar for Best Actor in The Last King Of Scotland.

What we quickly learned is that there's a lot more hiding under the surface. This doesn't necessarily make it a better film, but most definitely kept us glued to the screen. Street Kings doesn't try to pretend like it's not a dark, gritty exploration of the seedy underbelly of Los Angeles. In fact, it goes the route of Training Day, but quickly abandons the good cop/bad cop binary for a more plot driven alternative. Keanu's character, Detective Ludlow, is a good cop who lies and kills in order to put dangerous thugs behind bars - or more often they end up dead. Too bad for them. Conflict builds up when Ludlow's ex-partner starts ratting his fellow officers out and Keanu finds himself in some serious shit. The action and plot ramp up and before you know it you're watching Keanu throw chairs at Mexicans on rooftops, convenience store clerks get mowed down by automatic weapons, and fucking House, M.D. shows up. In a hospital. To boot. But he isn't a doctor. This is pretty indicative of the confusion we felt during the first half hour, but Street Kings does a good job of explaining its porous dialogue and the more complicated plot points that just went over our heads. No matter, the story unravels fairly smoothly and the ending wasn't as disappointing as Ethan Hawke busting a cap in Denzel's ass and just driving home.

Street Kings doesn't tell us anything new about gang violence in Los Angeles or the vigilante cops pulling some Dirty Harry "interrogation," which is, of course, code for killing the poor bastards. The movie does a good job of throwing in multiple plot twists that keep you guessing until the end, almost as good as The Departed when Marky Mark offs Matt Damon in his little booties. We enjoyed this movie, which makes us think about how this flick was marketed. The only way you were probably going to see a trailer for Street Kings was if you frequent movie blogs or check Apple's trailer page religiously. Maybe if these few cop movies were given a little more limelight on TV and attached to bigger budget releases, we could see a return to greater stories about law enforcement. [Although this is not our endorsement for another Lethal Weapon or Rush Hour.] And with that...

Things we learned from Street Kings:

Don't hide your drugs in mustard containers.
If you get shot at on a regular basis, have a hot nurse sugar mama who can stitch you up.
Don't forget to change out your ammo if you're going on a house bust.
Drinking little bottles of vodka is pretty manly.

Iron Man

2008-05-06T17:35:00.001-07:00

By the time we’d seen this movie, we’d seen numerous TV spots, online trailers and lame-ass video game commercials, not to mention slashfilm had a post about this movie pretty much every day. We saw Gwyneth catch Tony Stark changing out of the Iron Man suit, but let’s face it, it wasn’t the worst thing she caught him doing. Such early, seemingly in-depth exposure to the film through these outlets gave us the fear that we’d seen it all. An example of this to cite would be the Die Hard 4 trailer, since it basically showed everything – McClane vs. Maggie Q, McClane vs. a helicopter, McClane vs. a truck, McClane vs. an F-35 fighter jet….etc. As Tobias so aptly put it, this trailer really got a little carried away, prematurely blew its wad and left itself with quite a mess in its hands – there was nothing left for viewers to “ooOOo” at.

Even though we’ve seen what a guy in a super suit can do, (yea Master Chief) Iron Man still felt pretty fresh. Having a fairly strong knowledge of comic books, we were definitely looking forward to seeing yet another comic adaptation on the big screen, but not for the best of reasons. Spider Man 3 was so disappointing [what the hell Raimi..] that maybe Marvel was just plain fucked. Jon "You're so money and you don't even know it" Favreau's take on Tony Stark was up in the air, since this was the first time he’d tackled a big summer blockbuster, but "goddamn!!” I say. The action beats come pretty quickly within the first few minutes: just after Downey establishes his suave, confident take on Tony Stark/Iron Man, US soldiers get owned quicker than the convoy attack in Clear and Present Danger. The backstory within the film isn't convoluted and we quickly forgot that this was a superhero flick from the same studio that produced Rise of the Silver Surfer and Hulk [shudder]. As comic fans we dug it. There are enough fanboy tid bits throughout the film to make the inner nerd in you feel like you were getting a lapdance from a gold-bikini-clad Carrie Fischer.

But even if this isn’t your cup of tea, and if the names Harvey Dent and Two Face seem as unrelated as David Caruso’s one-liners in CSI: Miami, have no fear! Because with a solid story, witty dialogue and believable acting, you could walk into this movie not knowing what the hell’s an “Iron Man” and not know any better. Even for a PG-13 flick, we get to see a shit ton of Iron Man beat downs, ginormous explosions, gratuitous sex [no Paltrow side boobs, sad face], and wait for it... Jeff "Mind if I do a J?" Bridges. Mr. Lebowski is by far, a perfect villain, baldness aside. The only let down by his performance was that not once did he ever drink a White Russian.

Iron Man's great. We couldn't have asked for a better start to this Summer's blockbusters. In fact, the film's done so well that it's sparked an influx of Marvel flicks up through 2011 [Captain America = McConaughey? Count us in!!] The less enjoyable parts of the movie were few and far between. This movie probably would have benefited from an R-rating: the whole "arms dealing kills innocent people halfway around the world" spin would have been a little more heartfelt if we were seeing arms and legs blown off little kids riding bicycles, but we understand graphic violence isn't always the best route, especially when you're in Marvel's position, trying to dig yourself out of a hole in the ground by selling more toys to said kids on bicycles. And with that…

Questions we're left with...

Why don’t all girls at Brown look like that reporter?
How did Tony Stark figure out the ice problem?
Why wasn’t that Burger King an In ‘n’ Out Double-Double?

PS – Stick around after the credits to catch a cool add-on to the plot. Don’t worry, it’s not as plot-upsetting as Xavier waking up in the body of a coma patient.

The Mist

2008-05-05T21:27:00.000-07:00

When this flick first hit theaters, I had absolutely no desire to see it. At all. I must say, I've been pleasantly surprised:

Things that surprised me about The Mist:

1. That it was actually pretty damn good.
2. When the shit hits the fan, being completely rational isn't always the best way to stay alive.
3. If the military rolls into town, get the fuck out.
4. Even when playing a painter in a quiet New England town, Tom Jane still kicks ass.
5. Lowly grocery store clerks are great shots.

Things I was not surprised by:

1. That bikers carry knives.
2. The military is always to blame.
3. Even when playing a painter in a quiet New England town, Tom Jane still kicks ass.
4. Religious fanatics are always fun to hate.

We've seen our fair share of horror/suspense flicks and know perfectly well what happens when you throw a bunch of average folk in an isolated place: people get paranoid, fight about how to survive, all the while slowly getting picked off by whatever the hell's lurking outside. The Mist goes the extra yard. Sort of. It's a pretty riveting addition to a genre already packed with mediocre flicks that follow the tried and true formula: You got a level-headed dude [Tom "I just want my kids back" Jane] squaring off against a religious fanatic who's got more converts than Gaius Baltar, all the while fighting off hungry creatures from another dimension [supposedly] with one six-shooter, broomsticks, kitchen knives, and three useless dudes in the military. Sounds like a hoot, right? Well, it worked for me. Not only were the monsters pretty cool [think Alien meets Arachnophobia], but the film was unexpectedly gory, and I like my horror/suspense flicks with a hefty dose of blood and guts. Oh, and did I mention Tom Jane kicks ass?

The “God’s gonna sit this one out”-attitude of Tom Jane from The Punisher is not an inaccurate way to describe his role in The Mist. The film is full of some classic Jane tough guy moments – gruffly-delivered lines, window smashing, axe wielding, punching out a dumbass…the usual. Perhaps on a less extreme scale than The Punisher, this movie did well at portraying the transformation of an “average” dude into a leader and monster fighter (more a la Shaun of the Dead). The reaction from seeing Jane painting a Clint Eastwood portrait may have been similar to Sam Jackson’s kilt in Formula 51. Sure, it was unexpected and atypical in a way, but in both cases you were not laughing at the guy by the end, since he was one bad mother… (shut your mouth!) We’re just talking about Tom Jane…If only he could’ve replaced a not so super Tom Welling in The Fog and gained a monopoly over recent cloud-caused suspense/thriller movies with two word titles.

The Mist is no The Shining, but if the movie as a whole doesn't impress you, than the twist at the end is an amazing "what the fuck!?" moment, almost as bad as when Steven Segal gets offed in the first ten minutes of Executive Decision. And with that...

Questions we're left with:

Why are bugs- even ones from another dimension - attracted to bright lights?
Who kills bugs better: Tom Jane or Johnny Rico?

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