Rambo

First of all, the 4^th Stallone Rambo film that came out earlier this year isn’t really called Rambo 4…its just Rambo (despite how an imdb.com search for “Rambo 4” yields this movie). You might be thinking “well damn, wasn’t the first one in the series called Rambo?” Nope– that would be First Blood. Then after that you have Rambo: First Blood part II…and the oddly ironic desert combat installment featuring the Taliban would be Rambo III. If this was more than you cared to know about the Rambo series you’re probably not alone. But we love details and also love Rambo, so we’re going to approach this review with a deep growling yell as if we ourselves were about to steer a tank into a Hind helicopter.

The film did moderately well, grossing a bit over $112MM internationally with a budget of $50MM. We thought this would be cool to review since it’s out on DVD and come on, it’s Rambo.

The story begins with choppy newsreels that establish the violence in Burma (a.k.a Myanmar) in a manner reminiscent of the intro to a zombie movie. So much so that you’re waiting for Johnny Cash’s “The Man Comes Around” to start up. But as bad as it looks, that a man (Stallone) will in fact come around, and kick everyone’s ass. This movie makes a good effort to bring the story of John Rambo out of the Cold War era and into the 21^st century....we guess. Its slightly more creative than Behind Enemy Lines 2: Axis of Evil.

Here’s the plot – a group of ignorant American church volunteers travel into war-torn Burma to help peacefully change things but get caught, resulting in their manager hiring a team of mercenaries, escorted by Stallone, to break them out of a POW camp. How is Rambo even involved? The nihilistic ex-green beret who spends his time as a boat captain and trapping snakes for cash gave them a ride up the river.

This flick mixes feelings of guilt, anger, relief and gruffly-delivered one-liners in a non-stop action packed 1.5hrs. This one is also pretty dark, bringing up the uncomfortable connotations of civil war in 3^rd world countries and the problems Americans face when they try to fix them (much like Tears of the Sun, Black Hawk Down or Blood Diamond). It’s also hard to miss the struggle to reconcile violence in a religious and humanitarian setting – the film beats you over the head with a rock (pun intended) but falls short of reaching a conclusion.

They must have also brought on a new gore guy for this movie, because its way more graphic and gruesome. In my mind I can hear Nathan Explosion grumbling “Brutal…”. People are essentialy meat sacks, and explode like the oozing zombies in Planet Terror. Add in a ton of guys, a boat vs. truck machine gun battle, a .50cal sniper rifle, a borderline rape scene and a knife kill, and you have a solid R rating. Rambo also holds the record in the Rambo franchise for the most kills, coming in at 262. Want some other ridiculously useless Rambo stats? Check out this link.

Also worthy of note – Stallone did a short Comcast spot explaining how this movie is about people in their most primitive state, morality, etc. which was interesting because none of those really come off clearly in the movie. Rambo was probably not intended for analysis, but if it makes it into a religious studies seminar out there let us know.

Questions we’re left with:

1) In what movie is the British SAS not badass?

2) Wouldn’t backseat gun turrets have a depression safety feature?

3) Our idea of a Stallone/Schwarzenegger combo for Rambo: Commando II = awesome? Thoughts?

p.s – Brace yourself for a Rambo V…hell yea, its in pre-production

I Want To Believe

This summer's been jam packed with enough nerdy goodness to make even Kevin Smith himself cream his pants. First there was Favreau's Iron Man that has pretty much guaranteed a steady flow of comic book movies for the next few years, then The Incredible Hulk, which tied everyone over until the long awaited The Dark Knight face fucked everyone under the sun. Even my seventy year-old grandma wants to see Nolan's opus. [Note: I'm quite aware that I just implied TDK face fucked my grandmother.] Needless to say, I was counting on X-Files: I Want To Believe to satiate my deepest nerdy desires even after being inundated with a barrage of superhero flicks.

We've been fans of the series for years and are surprised that more people aren't into the show, considering the recent explosion of sci-fi shows on television [Heroes, Battlestar Galactica, Dr. Who, Lost]. Much to our dismay, most kids these days don't give two shits about The X-Files, Chris Carter, or the fact that it lasted a respectable nine seasons on-air.. on Fox.. arguably the number one killer of most sci-fi shows in the history of broadcast television. What's more, the first film [in case you didn't realize one existed] hit theaters ten years ago.. TEN years. That's a decade people, and the show finished its run six years after that. Quite respectable, even if Mexican goatsuckers, little green men, or seeing Giovanni Ribisi turn Jack Black into a human light-bulb isn't your cup of tea. But enough venting..

I Want To Believe takes place six years after Mulder [David "I heart Pedigree" Duchovny and Scully [Gillian "Former Sexiest Woman in the World" Anderson] have left the F.B.I. Scully's the resident badass doctor at a children's hospital and Mulder's grown himself a Grizzly Adams beard. The rest of the movie is pretty simple: something weird goes down in West Virginia [big surprise right? it was there or New Jersey..], the F.B.I can't figure out what the fuck is going on, Xzibit shows up, and Mulder & Scully are on the case. Obviously, there's more to it than that, but Chris Carter's kept the subplots under lock and key, so I'll let you pay ten bucks and figure out what the all the hoo-ha is about.. That is, of course, if you want to. And you just might want to pass and catch a second viewing of The Dark Knight instead. Here's why:

This movie, no matter how much Chris Carter has promised otherwise, is for the hardcore fans. It's basically an extended version of the show's staple standalone episode [as opposed to the mythology or comedic variety]. That being said, I think this is the best thing about this movie: it's not trying to take the show and stylize it for the bigsreen, but instead you feel like you're sitting in an abnormally large living room watching an episode on SciFi on a huge plasma TV. The only thing this movie was missing was a few Geico commercials and a teaser for Eureka. Unfortunately, this is what's going to turn most people away. Despite the best attempts to include some kind of backstory, it just doesn't work out well. There are a ton of "fuck yeah!" moments, but if you're there on a whim, they're just gonna go over your head and leave you disappointed. The story isn't the greatest, I'll admit, but I enjoyed this flick simply because it was exactly what I was expecting, which isn't a lot for the usual moviegoer. Do yourself and the legion of diehard X-Files fans a favor and pass on this one if you can't tell the difference between a "Skinman" and a "Cigarette Smoking Man." And with that...

1. Why is West Virginia such a shithole?
2. Was that George W. Bush moment really necessary?
3. Are swimming pools the best way to pickup chicks?
4. Does Gillian Anderson in fact dislike scratchy beards?


P.S. If you're a fan of Battlestar Galactica, you're gonna get a nice little surprise.. So say we all!!