Teeth

We weren't too sure what to do with this movie. The synopsis of the flick is fairly straighforward: a young girl, Dawn, who favors abstinence discovers her vagina is equipped with teeth that mean business. You can imagine what happens once she's sexually assaulted by one of her peers. Seems like a pretty interesting watch, right? Well, after viewing Teeth our first reaction was to just rip it to pieces, but we were reminded of Janitor's words of wisdom: "Troy. That's not how we do it." The best word to describe most of this movie is "unnecessary", as embodied in the following examples:

1. The incestuous step-brother who likes to shoot airsoft pistols.
2. Guard dogs who have a taste for male genitalia.
3. The Goosebumps-esque soundtrack drowning out mediocre dialogue
4. The whole after-school-special-keep-it in-your pants message

We would have enjoyed this movie a lot more if we were more patient and hadn't seen so many rape revenge films that took less time to escalate into a mess of tension and bloody castration scenes (Last House on the Left & I Spit on Your Grave). Not to say we weren't freaked out at times. The best scene in this flick by far is the gynecologist scene: a concerned Dawn decides she's got to get herself checked out and make sure nothing's out of the ordinary down south. What a mistake. This scene is the perfect combination of moments of anticipation and horror that eventually results in a phalanges-less physician and screaming match better than Adam Smith and the city of Quahog. It's reminiscent of the of the feeling you get watching an Alien film, when some fool is slowly leaning over a hatching egg. You know the egg's gonna hatch and release a face-hugger onto the guy, but he doesn't, and no amount of his verbal speculation can stop it.

But to wrap things up, or maybe a more appropriate phrase -- to cut this off-- this film was a challenge to watch. True, it was the scariest set of teeth since the chompers Jaws sported in Moonraker, but that could only carry the movie so far. And with that...

Questions we're left with:

Are caged guard dogs really all that effective?
Was this soundtrack lifted from Ernest Scared Stupid?
When it's right, is it really Wong?